After ten weeks in lockdown, I’d expect that those of you who know me, might have expected me to blog more.  And that fact is, I would have if not every man and his dog were doing it – and have been doing it well.  It’s been lovely to see that people have been so creative and shared so much with us over the past few weeks.  Music, art, writings, lovely debates, live cooking…what weren’t people doing to alleviate cabin fever and help their mental health?  Busy lives switched off.  Brains have had time to rest and reset.  So I took a break from the weekly blog and decided to spend the time perusing my list.

My list was created by the psychologist who helped me at the beginning of the year.  My list was filled with things, which I wanted to do but felt disconnected from as the clock ticked and my sight has deteriorated.  The list was to take me in a new direction, and intended for me to build my confidence.  Which, would  require me to use the coping strategies I was being taught at the time.

So, The List:  It’s not been easy.  At times frustrating and not pretty.  However much I look forward and see there’s a long path to go, I can now look back and I can no longer see the beginning – it seems that I’m well away!

You might think that tackling a list of self-indulgent to dos, might make me selfish.  After all, using lockdown for self improvement, whilst the world is falling down all around me…shouldn’t I be doing more to help?  ‘Well, yes, probably I should!’ Shouts the self-deprecating voice in my head.  Whereas, the newer CBT me shouts louder ‘You’ve done more than you think!  Working, teaching, supporting friends and family’.  And then there’s a little tap on the shoulder, as I trip over the dishwasher (again), reminding me of my limitations and I have to concede that I do plenty.

Living with sight loss through lockdown has been particularly frustrating.  Also, as we ease out but are told to adhere to the two metre rule, it will become busier, and even worse for those of us who struggle with little or no vision.  However, you don’t need to know about my traumatic shopping trips, or having to explain to people that Him is my carer…my experiences are through a hazy lens.  I’m sure you’ve all had your fair share of bad experiences since March.  We’ve all been in this together.  But things are easing and with or without a disability, we are all going to struggle.  Therefore, if I’m to keep my anxiety in check, I’ve got to keep on that list and follow that journey.

But what is this list? You ask! Well, that’s the thing, it’s quite simple.

Firstly, it involves gardening – my garden will soon resemble Eden but I still have a massive ‘to do’ list (it’s all about the hare and the tortoise on this journey).  Spending hours in my little patch of England not only boosts my vitamin D (doctors orders) as I’ve not enough, but it also creates a calm within me.  From my garden you can hear the sea.  You can hear bird song.  You can just relax – no clock, no time frame, just nature growing at its own sweet pace around you.  So we’ll gloss over the fact that I’ve killed a courgette and that I’m struggling with the difference between weeds and flowers…but the serenity, beauty, fragrant air…

And being outside has ticked more things off the journey list.  Accessing art again.  A channel I’d shut off as I felt inadequate and untalented – in something I was once applauded for.  And I’m not sure what did it, but I began to paint, sketch, design.  And something I’d locked away for twenty odd years awakened and I’d forgotten how freeing it was to paint.  So what if it’s not perfect? Art is what you see.  No one dismissed Monet for the blurry lilies.  No one told Picasso his portraits were inaccurate.  (Well they might have done but no one remembers them).

Then there’s the book.  Ironically, it’s the writing I’ve struggled with the most.  I’ve had spurts of inspiration.  I’ve finished part one of my book.  Only, then I spiralled into a despair of worthlessness and inadequacy.  I think that because it’s the thing I feel I’m investing the most emotion in, I’m losing that confidence of my ideas and convictions.  Sometimes it’s the things we hold closest too us that hurt the most.  I’m not done yet though…

Even though there is more on the list, and as you are only having a coffee reading this, I won’t bore you to death about every item.  But, what I did want to highlight was that like my list, we’ve all come a long way over the past ten weeks.  We’ve probably learnt more about ourselves and others than ever before.  We have all been on this weird trippy journey and we all might have theories but no real understanding of what our futures will look like.  Just like I need to find the confidence to continue with my list, my journey, my book…we all need to learn how to live this new life and not go backwards.  Like the tortoise said to the hare ‘slow and steady wins the race’.

Upon that fatal speech seven weeks ago, we all freefalled into a perpetual state of battening down the hatches and preparing for an unseen war.  Our first thoughts were to food, cupboard essentials, and toiletries – things such as toilet rolls became rarer than gold and rubies.  And, as Him and I work full time, all such essentials were cleared from the shelves whilst  was brave ring away at the chalk face and he was moving furniture.  Therefore, paying £2.50 for a bag of artisan penne pasta, and £3.00 for a bag of ‘wild rice’ was apparently very expensive.  ‘You don’t do the food shopping and have no idea about how much things costs’ argued Him ‘And you shop in M and S and that should not be used as a guide’.  Anyway, I do know that we reached a point where it was even difficult to buy the basics for egg/beans/tomatoes on toast – no matter the cost.  A man nearly killed me with his death stare when I bought the last chicken in the butchers.

And then the panic was over.

All was quiet and all was still.  And that’s when a new lockdown world opened up.  Ingenious ways to communicate became the norm.  So whilst we all ate very expensive pasta dishes and ate our chicken dinners guiltily, Zoom workouts and WhatsApp parties became en vogue.  We all started to plan, dress and do our hair and make up to a ‘digitally ordained social life’.

Instead of having to be at a class, at work, or at a place for a certain time, I have found myself planning to be available for a ‘live lesson’, ‘live cook’ or a ‘live art club’, at the appointed time.  And when that’s not enough, my social life extends to Thursdays, just before eight, when we shout neighbourly pleasantries and concern from house to house, before clapping for carers at eight.

But I must admit, it all gets too much.  And I don’t want to be a mood breaker with all the awful news we keep hearing.  However, these last couple of weeks have been tough.  Also, the feeling of Groundhog Day grinding us down doesn’t help.  With this endless boredom and without (whatever is said on Sunday), an end in sight.  What do we do?

Some say it’s the perfect time to learn something new.  TikTok seems to be a popular way to pass the time – if you like a dance! Along with (judging by the empty shelves Him tells me about in the supermarket) baking.  It’s like the whole bloody world has gone banana bread mad!  Maybe you’re learning a new language?  A new skill?  And if you’re not, are you getting through the to do list like us?

Him, being furloughed, is certainly getting all the jobs done! All the ones I can find him!  Painting, gardening, cleaning (is it that day again, he asks?) seem to fill our days between my work and home schooling.

However, it’s important that explain my next thought.  As I’m in the position I am, with sight-loss and always on the look out for new experiences and making memories, it’s important to me that 2020 isn’t a write off.  This year needs to count and like all years in my precarious world, has to be a time for new adventures.  Not all safely…

Firstly, we are so lucky living next to the sea.  Secondly, RosieDog is even luckier as she gets to go out every day on the beach and run wild.  The fact that we are bored means we have begun to vary our walk.  All for a little of something different.  All good, although every walk is an adventure when you live with nutters like me…Then this week the R Dog and I nearly become stranded between home and the dunes.  A dead seal, an incoming tide and a wet dog later and we were free!

Then the biggie: Another new adventure is me having the actual time to write.  My life and job mean I have limited time to write.  My illness last year meant to didn’t have the energy.  However, with a renewed vim and vigour, I’m now able to knock out a few words quite quickly (why get they’re any good…) The upshot of this is that I’m very excited that I’m making progress on something I’ve longed to do for a number of years.  20,000 words in and I’m feeling good about it and myself.  Whether it’s shite, well that’s another story and one I’ll soon find out about!  But it’s all part of my journey.

Lockdown hasn’t been easy.  I’m not going to lie.  However, I’ve been determined to continue my upwards journey of better mental health.  And although some days (and nights) I’ve felt like it’s all going to fall apart.  And some days that the weight of the world is on my chest, new adventures and experiences have stopped me from veering too much from my path.

I hope you’re all staying safe and well.  Make room for your adventures: anything is possible xxxx

Upon that fatal speech seven weeks ago, we all freefalled into a perpetual state of battening down the hatches and preparing for an unseen war.  Our first thoughts were to food, cupboard essentials, and toiletries – things such as toilet rolls became rarer than gold and rubies.  And, as Him and I work full time, all such essentials were cleared from the shelves whilst  was brave ring away at the chalk face and he was moving furniture.  Therefore, paying £2.50 for a bag of artisan penne pasta, and £3.00 for a bag of ‘wild rice’ was apparently very expensive.  ‘You don’t do the food shopping and have no idea about how much things costs’ argued Him ‘And you shop in M and S and that should not be used as a guide’.  Anyway, I do know that we reached a point where it was even difficult to buy the basics for egg/beans/tomatoes on toast – no matter the cost.  A man nearly killed me with his death stare when I bought the last chicken in the butchers.

And then the panic was over.

All was quiet and all was still.  And that’s when a new lockdown world opened up.  Ingenious ways to communicate became the norm.  So whilst we all ate very expensive pasta dishes and ate our chicken dinners guiltily, Zoom workouts and WhatsApp parties became en vogue.  We all started to plan, dress and do our hair and make up to a ‘digitally ordained social life’.

Instead of having to be at a class, at work, or at a place for a certain time, I have found myself planning to be available for a ‘live lesson’, ‘live cook’ or a ‘live art club’, at the appointed time.  And when that’s not enough, my social life extends to Thursdays, just before eight, when we shout neighbourly pleasantries and concern from house to house, before clapping for carers at eight.

But I must admit, it all gets too much.  And I don’t want to be a mood breaker with all the awful news we keep hearing.  However, these last couple of weeks have been tough.  Also, the feeling of Groundhog Day grinding us down doesn’t help.  With this endless boredom and without (whatever is said on Sunday), an end in sight.  What do we do?

Some say it’s the perfect time to learn something new.  TikTok seems to be a popular way to pass the time – if you like a dance! Along with (judging by the empty shelves Him tells me about in the supermarket) baking.  It’s like the whole bloody world has gone banana bread mad!  Maybe you’re learning a new language?  A new skill?  And if you’re not, are you getting through the to do list like us?

Him, being furloughed, is certainly getting all the jobs done! All the ones I can find him!  Painting, gardening, cleaning (is it that day again, he asks?) seem to fill our days between my work and home schooling.

However, it’s important that explain my next thought.  As I’m in the position I am, with sight-loss and always on the look out for new experiences and making memories, it’s important to me that 2020 isn’t a write off.  This year needs to count and like all years in my precarious world, has to be a time for new adventures.  Not all safely…

Firstly, we are so lucky living next to the sea.  Secondly, RosieDog is even luckier as she gets to go out every day on the beach and run wild.  The fact that we are bored means we have begun to vary our walk.  All for a little of something different.  All good, although every walk is an adventure when you live with nutters like me…Then this week the R Dog and I nearly become stranded between home and the dunes.  A dead seal, an incoming tide and a wet dog later and we were free!

Then the biggie: Another new adventure is me having the actual time to write.  My life and job mean I have limited time to write.  My illness last year meant to didn’t have the energy.  However, with a renewed vim and vigour, I’m now able to knock out a few words quite quickly (why get they’re any good…) The upshot of this is that I’m very excited that I’m making progress on something I’ve longed to do for a number of years.  20,000 words in and I’m feeling good about it and myself.  Whether it’s shite, well that’s another story and one I’ll soon find out about!  But it’s all part of my journey.

Lockdown hasn’t been easy.  I’m not going to lie.  However, I’ve been determined to continue my upwards journey of better mental health.  And although some days (and nights) I’ve felt like it’s all going to fall apart.  And some days that the weight of the world is on my chest, new adventures and experiences have stopped me from veering too much from my path.

I hope you’re all staying safe and well.  Make room for your adventures: anything is possible xxxx

Upon that fatal speech seven weeks ago, we all freefalled into a perpetual state of battening down the hatches and preparing for an unseen war.  Our first thoughts were to food, cupboard essentials, and toiletries – things such as toilet rolls became rarer than gold and rubies.  And, as Him and I work full time, all such essentials were cleared from the shelves whilst  was brave ring away at the chalk face and he was moving furniture.  Therefore, paying £2.50 for a bag of artisan penne pasta, and £3.00 for a bag of ‘wild rice’ was apparently very expensive.  ‘You don’t do the food shopping and have no idea about how much things costs’ argued Him ‘And you shop in M and S and that should not be used as a guide’.  Anyway, I do know that we reached a point where it was even difficult to buy the basics for egg/beans/tomatoes on toast – no matter the cost.  A man nearly killed me with his death stare when I bought the last chicken in the butchers.

And then the panic was over.

All was quiet and all was still.  And that’s when a new lockdown world opened up.  Ingenious ways to communicate became the norm.  So whilst we all ate very expensive pasta dishes and ate our chicken dinners guiltily, Zoom workouts and WhatsApp parties became en vogue.  We all started to plan, dress and do our hair and make up to a ‘digitally ordained social life’.

Instead of having to be at a class, at work, or at a place for a certain time, I have found myself planning to be available for a ‘live lesson’, ‘live cook’ or a ‘live art club’, at the appointed time.  And when that’s not enough, my social life extends to Thursdays, just before eight, when we shout neighbourly pleasantries and concern from house to house, before clapping for carers at eight.

But I must admit, it all gets too much.  And I don’t want to be a mood breaker with all the awful news we keep hearing.  However, these last couple of weeks have been tough.  Also, the feeling of Groundhog Day grinding us down doesn’t help.  With this endless boredom and without (whatever is said on Sunday), an end in sight.  What do we do?

Some say it’s the perfect time to learn something new.  TikTok seems to be a popular way to pass the time – if you like a dance! Along with (judging by the empty shelves Him tells me about in the supermarket) baking.  It’s like the whole bloody world has gone banana bread mad!  Maybe you’re learning a new language?  A new skill?  And if you’re not, are you getting through the to do list like us?

Him, being furloughed, is certainly getting all the jobs done! All the ones I can find him!  Painting, gardening, cleaning (is it that day again, he asks?) seem to fill our days between my work and home schooling.

However, it’s important that explain my next thought.  As I’m in the position I am, with sight-loss and always on the look out for new experiences and making memories, it’s important to me that 2020 isn’t a write off.  This year needs to count and like all years in my precarious world, has to be a time for new adventures.  Not all safely…

Firstly, we are so lucky living next to the sea.  Secondly, RosieDog is even luckier as she gets to go out every day on the beach and run wild.  The fact that we are bored means we have begun to vary our walk.  All for a little of something different.  All good, although every walk is an adventure when you live with nutters like me…Then this week the R Dog and I nearly become stranded between home and the dunes.  A dead seal, an incoming tide and a wet dog later and we were free!

Then the biggie: Another new adventure is me having the actual time to write.  My life and job mean I have limited time to write.  My illness last year meant to didn’t have the energy.  However, with a renewed vim and vigour, I’m now able to knock out a few words quite quickly (why get they’re any good…) The upshot of this is that I’m very excited that I’m making progress on something I’ve longed to do for a number of years.  20,000 words in and I’m feeling good about it and myself.  Whether it’s shite, well that’s another story and one I’ll soon find out about!  But it’s all part of my journey.

Lockdown hasn’t been easy.  I’m not going to lie.  However, I’ve been determined to continue my upwards journey of better mental health.  And although some days (and nights) I’ve felt like it’s all going to fall apart.  And some days that the weight of the world is on my chest, new adventures and experiences have stopped me from veering too much from my path.

I hope you’re all staying safe and well.  Make room for your adventures: anything is possible xxxx