I always look forward to winter solstice.  It marks the beginning of the encroaching darkness receding.  It means that lighter and longer days are on the horizon.  And although it heralds the beginning of winter, it is the precursor for the beginnings of new life.  My yoga teacher recently told me that it’s about being reborn.  that instead of the reflective aspect to our practice, that we are now moving into an active time.  

Possibilities are on the horizon…

But, as I begin to focus on my intentions for 2024, there is a pesky blot on the beautiful, but stark winter landscape:

Hello anxiety, my old friend.  My nemesis; my unwanted companion; my hated dread.

For years it was my constant.  Always there, buzzing around dull and desperately in the background.  The constant fear and butterflies omnipresent.  

You see, there was a time I thought I’d cracked it.  I did, for want of a better phrase ‘done a great deal of work on myself’.  Self-help; psychoanalyst; mentoring; the drugs and such like.  I embraced it all.

Well, you do when you’re rock bottom don’t you?

Anyway, I did it all.  I wanted out of The Fear.  I wanted to escape its darkness and find light.  And, because I learned and realised that I was worth it and that I owed it to myself, rather than feeling selfish for the self-indulgence, I did the work.  And in doing so, I had found some semblance of peace.  But, like everything we don’t want reminding of, it has a way of sneaking up on you (the psychologist might have plenty to say about this but I have my own view).

As I have previously mentioned and you might have inferred from previous blogs – I am A LOT.  High maintenance if you will.  What with that annoying matter of losing my sight and having a terrible immune system, well, I come with lots of unwanted issues and a disclaimer on my bio.  Each day is a carefully orchestrated affair.  I’m terrible with surprises and live in perfect order.  I mean, don’t ever move anything or put things in the wrong place.  You see, do, and I’ll hunt you down and kill you.  This means I spend a great deal of my life within a small circle of trusted people and strict guidelines for how I live.  All part of the work I did.  The therapy.  

It means I function.  It means I live a life richer than I did.  

‘But the anxiety?’ You ask ‘Why now?’

Well, let me tell you.  

A while back I decided I needed to be braver.  Man up, as I say.  I needed to stop flopping about like a red cracker fish and develop a backbone.  You see, although I’d spent eons on all the positives and busting The Fear, I’d failed to develop balls.  I felt that minimising my life would suffice – like if I shut my eyes and curl into a ball nobody would be able to see me.

2023 has been the year of the brave.

Being brave has been both exhilarating and petrifying in equal measure.  I’ve been to places and had experiences I don’t think I’d ever have dared to 18 months ago.  I’ve navigated strange places and stepped out into a crazy busy world.  And, I’ve survived.  

But all with support and love.

The next phase has been independence.  And that’s been scary.  I’ve been places, faced challenges and agreed to things in the past month that I would have scoffed at 6 months ago.  Going places without a safety net?  Fighting the ever dread of being judged because I have a disability.  The embarrassment of me being me vibrating in the periphery.  No wonder my senses have been on red alert.  

Does being brave mean I lean into the anxiety?  

I think it does.  I think that by leaning in I’m embracing it.  Facing up to it.  By facing up to it I’m admitting to myself that it’s okay to not feel okay.  Because, I know that the moment will pass.  

So, with the passing of Winter Solstice and the beginning of a new year, the page is blank for me to write it.  A new era.  An even braver new world.  A flawed world which is fabulously imperfect like me.  And whilst January might feel empty and dark after all the hoopla of Christmas; the days will become longer; the spring will become nearer; our lives will become richer for striving to be brand new, our best selves, brave.  

Namaste 🙏