I’ve often heard and felt the old adage ‘one step forward and two steps back’ rather keenly. Life it seems can throw many a curve ball and that is certainly where we are currently at. The other idiom I am also familiar with has to do with ‘putting ones foot in it’. (Only I wish someone had and preferably in my mouth!) Teaching these ‘pearls of wisdom’ to a class of literal learners – that life is more than the visual, the tangible, that it has many metaphorical layers, is something I get paid to do on a daily basis. However, learning meanings is one thing. Learning lessons from the meaning is another.

I’ve two clouds on the horizon. I also have an anxiety with what promises (long term) to be a brilliant ray of sunshine (more about that at a later date). So what do I do? At present I’m having, what the Americans coin as a ‘mental health day’. Only it’s been two and it’s still not any better. So they say a problem shared is a problem halved…so with the censorship of my situation I shall hypothesise to protect all involved.

I often feel that if I (this is a generic I and applies to all) was lying dying on the floor, people would just step over me to get on with their own agenda. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m in no way wallowing in self pity with this statement, I’m only being a realist. Most people I know are too busy within their micro-worlds to even look beyond their own nose. Consumed by matters pertaining to their own back gardens, they choose to ignore anything which requires effort and empathy. Maybe it’s the modern way? Gone, it seems, are the days of ‘love thy neighbour’. Society seems to have bred a mass of people so full of their own self importance that they don’t care who they hurt in the process. You see, I’ve a gut instinct for people, situations and such like. I can smell rats a mile off. And I have a keener sense of smell than the Rosie Dog. However, when faced with confrontation I’m no good. What do I do? I retreat and let dust settle. I hide away because as good as a case as I have, I can’t stand the battle, the retorts and the bloody aftermath. I make plans (I’m a strategist) and work out various scenarios. However, whichever way I look at it I always end up in the wrong! (Maybe it’s my face.m?). This is what I can’t stand – being vindicated for someone else’s shitty behaviour. I feel I’m always outed as the bitch, the awful person who has issue upon issue. However, much I know I have grounds for disgruntlement, I feel like the person ‘dying on the floor’ (do not see this as a sign of self pity. It’s more a sign of frustration). Like I said – people like to self preserve and from someone who had it drilled into them to say sorry from an early age, I wonder why modern society seem to struggle with the word and prefer to blame others?

So, yes, I’m not perfect and often inadvertently say things I shouldn’t. However, it’s not malicious and certainly not to be seen as bitter and twisted. I say shit and realise I shouldn’t (I was told this at the age of 16). Only I seem to get caught, hung, drawn and quartered for it on a daily basis. I used to think it was because people didn’t like me – an unpopular soul. But, I’ve recently realised that (again a flaw of modern society) that judging and punishing someone is preferable trying to see the good.

When was the last time you heard something about negative or shocking, about someone and tried to give them the benefit of the doubt? Be honest! Modern media has embedded within our culture a selfishness of being. People love to take the higher ground. They love to sit at the lofty heights of ‘self righteousness’, often forgetting, or ‘brain erasing’ past misdemeanours. So where’s this heading? Well firstly, if you think this is about you it’s not! It’s a generic rant on behalf of anyone who feels they’ve never had a fair hearing. It’s a crutch to hold anyone up who feels that life is ‘rewarding the bad and slapping the good’. It’s also a reminder to all you beautiful people that none of us is flawless and, as my ‘mental health day(s)’ have taught me: to look around me, absorb the bigger picture, breathe the air of devils advocate and realise that ‘it’s not all about me’

The clouds and the anxiety ridden ray of sunshine will still be there in the morning, but worry I not! Instead I shall be forging ahead for a brilliant year to come.

So what does 2018 mean to you? How many of you made lists on January 1st of utterly wonderful goals? How many of you started with the most excellent of intentions and somewhere over the weekend they have begun to slide? Well, it’s day fourteen of ‘New Horizons’ and the year I’m calling ‘The Year of My Life’

Now, the title suggests that something extraordinary has happened over the Christmas holidays. How else could I be entering ‘The Year of My Life’? Well actually no! My statement is more of a state of mind, which is, if truth be told, (big nervy breath) my feeling of coming out of a storm and being able to breathe the crisp and brilliant air! Now I do realise that dark days run alongside light days but something in me has shifted, and, I think it’s come from realisation that following your dreams and believing can lead to wonderful things.

Why? I’ll take you back to a time when I felt like we were constantly peeing in the wind. Whatever we achieved, we fell back three places. Bad luck seemed to haunt us around every corner. At one point I didn’t know how we could ever continue…it all seemed so insurmountable. You see life is a complete ass at times. So much so we felt we must have committed some terrible atrocities in a previous life. There didn’t seem to be a way out. The walls and obstacles surrounded us. We had nowhere to turn….years and years of bad luck negates every happy moment.

Our situation wasn’t unique. Everyone struggles – but you just don’t see it. Silent battles. Carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders can be extremely isolating and exhausting. You don’t want to share because a) no one can physically do anything, and b) people don’t really want to know. (Let me just say that the latter comment is not a negative it’s just how it is as everyone has a difficult journey to follow at some time or another). April 2016 and I truly felt that my 30 odd years of life had been arduous and ageing. That we’d used all our dreams and prayers up on the serious stuff and the consequence were that we were living the legacy of survival.

And then I had a dream.

Don’t laugh, it was no Martin Luther King moment but it did indicate a turning point in our lives. Two things happened in my vivid dream and they came true. Things which, at that time, weren’t possible (I even remember saying it in my dream ‘how did this happen? It’s not possible?’) but within two weeks the first happened and four weeks later the second.

What’s this all got to do with 2018 ‘The Year of My Life’? Lots really. Him and I spent most of Christmas lost in attending the needs of our nearest and dearest. We spent any spare time we had doing nothing other than talking and walking the Rosie Dog. Prior to the big day we discussed presents and decided we needed nothing important – nothing that couldn’t wait. Instead we talked about living a fun life; one to embrace and enjoy! And within all this talking and looking around, seeing how lucky we were, I realised that dreams come true and life can change on a sixpence.

For a long time I believed that if I embraced and enjoyed life it would come back and slap me in the face. Make me sorry for my happiness and remind me that life is actually harsh and lonely. But, i think that I needed to think differently. Instead I needed to find my belief and embrace it.

2018 ‘The Year of My Life’. What’s new? Well, I’m facing stuff that used to terrify me (you wouldn’t believe The Fear’ and how it takes hold in the most innocuous situations). I’ve attempted dry January but failed. Although I’ve found that I’m not that keen on drinking anymore! (I’m sure it won’t last). Six chapters of the book are written and its feeling good. And, last but not least, my faith to believe feels stronger and healthier than I can ever remember it feeling before. When running, walking Rosie Dog, spending time with my family, I am smiling outside in. It’s too long since I’ve felt this way, long may it continue.

My dreams come and go and I feel a peace within me. For a long time they were haunting and traumatic but now they give me a sense of hope. And what is my point? Why is any of this relevant? At my lowest times I’d read inspirational quotations and tried to find answers. I’d search for words but couldn’t find the comfort. They say that we can learn from our experiences…I needed to know that the sun would not only shine again but I’d feel the warmth. What I’m not trying to do is say ‘look at me’ (please don’t!). However, what I want to do is show those of you who are tackling The January Blues (or something bigger) that there’s a brilliant light waiting. I felt that I’d never feel it again. I felt worthless for s long long time. Now I don’t care as I don’t think about me and just love living a life I’m proud of! Nothing is perfect and nothing has really changed, what has changed though is my state of mind.

Happy 2918 and let’s make it the best one yet xxx