Tag Archives: sightloss

I am Grateful for…

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 January is probably the longest month of the year.  Dark, cold, self-punishing and penniless, we tend to spend it dreaming and wishing time could speed up.  For early signs of spring, a warmer sun and lighter days.  And, as much as we know we shouldn’t rush our time away, we dream of better days.

However, I was determined to do things differently this year.  To focus on what I could change and achieve in this winter hinterland.  So, stubbornly, I’ve dug my heels in and used my creativity to expand my horizons and explore what makes me tick.  

For months now, I’ve been keeping a gratitude journal.  A monthly log of all those glimmers which give me life.  A collection of thought, feelings and moments.  A list of my hopes and dreams.  But, I get busy and sometimes I forget…

But, January has been different.  

Determined to keep strong in the darkness, I set myself targets.  Targets to help me remember and push the status quo of January blues.

I was recently introduced to the Hebrew word ‘davka’, whilst listening to one of my favourite podcasts ‘Stirring it up’ with Andi and Miquita Oliver.  I love listening to them as it’s about two of my favourite things – food, and people.  They have a plethora of interesting guests with a wealth of worldly knowledge.  Their guests often make me stop and think, so when Rob Rinder talked about davka, it made me think about applying it to my own life.  

But what is it?

Davka is about being contrary.  Which, at first would seem an awkward way to make a positive impact on your own life.  However, it’s more than that.  Essentially, it’s about writing your own journey.  Not following the one that’s been preordained.  Pushing boundaries, ripping up the rule book and doing your own thing.  To have davka is brave and exciting.  To have employed davka – you’ve done something against the odds.

I loved the way he talked about holocaust survivors.  The way they survived against the cruel odds that had been dictated to them.  The way that they were so grateful and present as they rebuilt their lives.  Contrary, brave, stubborn, living a life worth living. 

And that got me thinking about adversity and how we can all apply it to our lives.  How it is essentially about kicking back and overcoming prejudice and negativity.  

I am all over davka!

So, where have I used davka so far this year?  Well, to be honest I’ve struggled with the short days, cold and dark.  However, I’ve tried to reframe my thinking and push back against the blues.  Pushed back and ignored the hype around the negative energy January breeds.  I’ve rewritten my days by focusing on all the things I’m grateful for (and let me tell you some days I had to do some really creative thinking).  I’ve purged myself with manifestation goals, to the point of becoming incredibly specific about certain situations (when I go to Australia I’m going to rent a beach house in Manley Bay for six weeks…), and at the end of every positive monologue, I thank the universe for giving me strength, peace and love.

Namaste.

And guess what?  Something wonderful began to happen.  By being contrary and refusing to bow down to the grey January fog, I’ve kicked back and rewritten my days.  I’ve found that being grateful has allowed me to rewrite my path and this makes me feel good about my future.  

And, with February peeking at us from around the corner, and my first glimpse of snowdrops this weekend, I’m gearing up for what comes next.  I’ll continue to be grateful; continue to focus on my goals; I’ll continue to thank the world I live in.  I’m going to apply davka to my big journey and achieve the impossible…

Well, I can at least try.  As my reader, should you.  

Namaste 🙏 

I Know I’m No Good

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Once upon a time, a young woman was sitting in a meeting room.  It was her first week in the job.  The discussion around her was completely unrelated to anything she had done before.  She felt out of her depth.  She felt overwhelmed.  She was ready to bolt. Luckily, she didn’t.  

That was then.  This is now.  

Now – she runs the meetings.  

But, she still thinks she’s not good enough; full of self-doubt.  Full of anxiety.  Full of paranoia.

A familiar story?

The other day a woman was talking about all the reasons she might get the sack.  Mistakes she’s made; times she felt she could have been better; times she felt like she hadn’t measured up.  At no time did she realise and say ‘I’m good at my job because I care’. At no time did she think ‘it’s because I care that I’m still in this job’

Instead, she measured herself against self destroying goals and expectations.  

Nobody had told her she wasn’t any good.  Nobody had told her she sucked.

It was her.  All on her.

How many of you can relate?

Imposter syndrome plagues , according to research, 82% of the population.  And although my two stories focus on women, men are just as likely to suffer with this self-sabotaging issue.  

Why do we do it to ourselves?  

The sad thing is that this 82% contains a high percentage of people who have ultimately worked extremely hard to gain success, only to decide that they don’t deserve it.  Instead, they spend hours punishing themselves for all their failings.  Framing their perceptions through a negative lens and second  guessing what others think.  When, in fact, most people don’t give it a second thought.  And those that do?  Well, I think it’s a case of asking ‘do they matter?’

Ultimately, it’s about being kinder and stepping outside of ourselves.  People are flailing and we live in a naturally judgmental world.  And as difficult as it is, we need to be kinder to ourselves so we can be kinder to others.  

How do we spot it?  

In a recent article I read by Gina Balarin, entitled ‘Imposter Syndrome: The Struggle Is Real – But You Can Beat It?’  She quotes Clare Josa who says ‘There are four P indicators of imposter syndrome – perfectionism, paralysis, people-pleasing, and procrastination.’

Instantly, I could relate to all of the above.  I could also relate it to many of the people within my life.  The micro-managers who obsess over every detail; people who become unable to articulate themselves under pressure; those who go above and beyond tying themselves up in knots to please others; those who hide and avoid the big picture.  

All of the above have been me at one time or another.  I’d argue that you can also relate.  However, none of the above mean we are failing, they are what make us human.  

Historically, there has been a stigma attached to showing weakness at work.  We were trained to be resilient, loyal and selfless.  To be successful meant sacrifice with blood sweat and tears (think sackcloth and ashes).  Although, most of us are realising that this kind of thinking is a legacy of the past.  For years it was drilled into us to: work, work, work.  That to think about yourself was selfish and showed weakness.  

Self care?  We should all be doing it in spades.  

It’s now 2024 and we’ve seen and been through a global pandemic which changed our world.  We began to evaluate and value our lives; looking at what living meant through a different perspective.  People changed, people grew.  We’ve also lived through the BeKind movement where we learned to articulate ‘it’s okay to not be okay.’  And finally, there’s never been a more visible time for movement for equality within minorities within our society.  So why do we keep punishing ourselves?

Think back to those two women.  Think back to those four Ps.  Think how you could spot the signs: feel the self doubt oozing from their every pore and think about what you could do.  How could you be kind?  How could have I been kind?

Me?  I’m trying.  By actively thinking about it, I feel I might be able to help at least one person.  To hold their hand; thank them; give them a smile.  Not forced or false, just softening the edges of their day.  

82% of people are going through something.  Surely, if we all work together we can smash the sadness.  

For more information here is one of the articles I read:  

Imposter Syndrome: The Struggle Is Real – But You Can Beat It

Imposter Syndrome: The Struggle Is Real – But You Can Beat It

january Sankalpa

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It’s 2024!  A new slate.  A fresh start…many of you will be thinking:  New year, new me!

Good.

But I’m sorry, it’s not for me. Unless somebody wants to give me a three book deal, a few thousand and a trip to one of those colonic shite farms in Thailand, I can’t see The New Me happening anytime soon.  But that’s not what we mean is it?  What we really mean is that we are to list all our guilty pleasures and vow to stop them for the foreseeable.  The pressure!  

It’s not that I’m anti-change, it’s just I’m not all about making millions of promises to jump through hoops I don’t fit.  In fact, I’m not really a hoop jumper; more of a hoop swirler, thrower and general circus freak.

It’s not like I haven’t made a list.  I always do.  I used to call them resolutions.  The 2024 me calls them intentions.  Nestled next to my monthly gratitude journal, they focus on all the things that make me feel better about myself.  Positive paths I like to lead, rather than saying ‘I’m going to abstain from ANYTHING EVER AGAIN’ and that ‘I’m going to GIVE UP THE WHOLE LOT OF ANYTHING’

Not happening.

Life is too short not to have a glass of wine with dinner (it’s one glass).  I enjoy exercising but I’m never going to say ‘I’m going to work out one hour every day seven days a week’ – I mean, let’s be realistic, I’m a busy woman.  Instead, I promise myself to alter my routines for more variety.  And as for making myself miserable by owning eating a restricted diet.  Well, like I said: life is too short.

However, it’s difficult not to contemplate changing when we are currently surrounded by a media’s desire to feed us a stream of ways to refrain our thinking.  Take ‘You Are What You Earn.  The Twin Experiment’. Netflix’s latest ‘factual’ show which leads us through a thinly disguised narrative of why meat and dairy is evil and toxic, whereas, veganism is the epitome of guilt free healthy living.  A show, which was both fascinating and horrifying in equal measures. Like a film from the Saw franchise, you felt yourself uncomfortable  watching, yet compelled to watch the gruesome footage of animals living in their own shite and evidence of badly treated chickens.  

It was awful.  So awful I had to step away and think about the actual message they were trying to give:  Go vegan, lose weight, live longer and save the world!

Fabulous.  Only…

It’s never that simple is it?  Try as we might, our social consciences lead us to eat better and to consider our carbon footprint.  We think about prevention rather than cure and spend money and time trying to adopt a more holistic approach to living a better life.  But life, is that, it is to be led.  Sometimes, try as I might, I can’t live guilt free: a bit of chocolate because I need something sweet (it’s a square); a cheese sandwich because that’s all I have in (starve myself, you say?); an overflowing bin because what I’ve had to buy has ridiculous packaging (I’m thinking Christmas here!); a glass of wine on a weekend (and?); roast beef on a Sunday (organic and fresh from the farm); to name a few…

It’s all about the guilt.  It’s all why I sit here feeling terrible because I ate more cheese than was good for me yesterday and can physically feel my thighs stretching from its after effects.  

 But…eating cheese was not in my rider anyway.  

My list of intentions?  They were purposeful and positive.  Aspirational, setting my Sankalpa for how I want to think and feel.  Less of the loss of the guilty pleasures, the sackcloth and ashes routine, and more of the grounded me who takes pleasure from living a life that makes me feel happy and fulfilled (yes, I know I sound quite sickening anx Paltrow like).  I want to enjoy my life.  To wring the hell out of it: inhale every scent, see the wonderful, and absorb the beauty of what is around me.  I am desperate to experience as much as Ii can, for as long as I can.  

I didn’t always feel this way.  

I’ve decided that as my vision gets smaller, my world is getting bigger.  I spent too long feeling unworthy and sacrificial and I knew that needed to change.  I realised that it’s all about the way I frame my thinking.  I can’t change my sight-loss and I can’t change its repercussions, but I can decide how I face it.  

It’s not about what we give up, it’s about how we think about it.  

So, although I ate that cheese (my doctor will be cross), I’m not going to focus on that.  Instead, I’m going to focus on the 15000 steps I walked yesterday; the healthy dinner I cooked; the time I enjoyed with the ones o love (RosieDog featured heavily here) and most of all I’m going to keep being grateful for tbd imperfect life I lead.  

Sight-loss is my Superpower

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When you gradually lose your sight, you literally don’t see it coming.  Like the way dusk creeps around day; wrapping itself around stealthily; filling the corners, before infiltrating the periphery; total darkness.  It was light once and now dark.  And although my central vision is okay, it might be that one day it isn’t.  

Only you know how blind you are.  Nobody knows and truly understands what you can see and by extension, what you can do.  This means that the words ‘partially sighted’, ‘severely sighted’ and ‘blind’ mean a lot of people second guess you and write you off.

This is both soul destroying and difficult to navigate, in an already blurred world!  But, as you lose your sight, your confidence ebbs away and it leaves you wondering if people are right?  Should you let them right you off?

Not bloody likely!

The blind community, as well as most people living with disability and hidden illnesses, are bright and resilient.  We work really to hard to continue to live the best lives possible. We don’t think about our limitations, but rather find ways to broaden our horizons (no mean feat for somebody with peripheral vision!).  We want to experience life, be successful, and look good too!  But, behind that determination and vigour we are faced with ignorance within the world.  A world where people want to write you off and make you feel like a nuisance or burden.  Which, on a wonky day, you feel you could quite easily subscribe to and quietly crawl away from your fight…

Luckily, the last few years of my journey have taught me many things.  They’ve taught me that I’m a good person.  That I’m resilient and worth more than I ever believed.  I’ve grown in voice to articulate my ‘issues’ without feeling ashamed.  

Sadly, I didn’t feel that way five years ago.  I was dying inside and allowed negativity to breed in and around me.  But, like I said, ‘luckily…’

What has made the difference?

  1. I’m learning that it’s okay to have a voice.  To say ‘no’ and ‘wait up!’ and of course ‘I need this adapting’.  I’ve also learnt that having a voice can make others uncomfortable and challenges their preconceptions – how great is that?  Showing the world the blind community kick-ass.  
  2. I work incredibly hard to plan everything I do.  I can’t manage surprises very well (unless they are of the ‘im whisking you away to New York variety, which although would be tricky – I’d many some how!), so I write lists (on my inverted screen on my phone), plan each day, week, month to make sure my stress levels are kept low and my life calm.  In fact, my logistics are so on point, I think I could run Ukraine’s military defence.
  3. I’m kind to myself.  I used to be such a martyr and a worrier.  And although I’ve ditched the former, the latter creeps in during times of tiredness and stress.  However, being kind means I look after my mind and body because I’m worth it.  To say that to myself a few years ago would have had me running for the hills.  I’d see it as selfish.  But now?  I know that by looking after me, my family, friends, colleagues and students, get a better deal.  
  4. It’s okay to make mistakes.  Everybody struggles to say ‘well done’ and ‘you’re doing great’, but they are happy to say ‘you’ve made a mistake’. Rude feckers.  I think it’s because it makes others feel better about themselves – especially those with an ego or competitive gene.  However, my mistakes are because I’ve missed something, not because I’m stupid.  I felt stupid for a long time, but to work full time in a pressurised job, with low vision means my brains not dead yet.  
  5. Finally, I surround myself with good people.  They bring sunshine into your life and warmth to your soul.  Everything is possible when your wrapped in love.  And I am truly humbled and grateful for everyone of you.  

For many years, Living with sight-loss made me live in a perpetual state of panic.  I allowed others to make me feel shame and inadequate.  My determination not to let it define me meant that I ran from it until it crept up and got worse without me knowing.  

Four years ago, I was having a breakdown and had no idea why? I was clueless.  I honestly never realised how living constantly on the edge had tipped me over it!  I had no idea my sight had got so bad – seriously!  But now, in my calmer and freer world, I see that woman and my heart feels heavy for her.  She’d have never thought to ask for help, to take time for herself – see didn’t feel she was worth it.  

Yes, I still have hurdles to overcome.  I have many issues and situations to navigate, but I’m not afraid of the dark any more.  Being blind is my superpower and there’s a lot more to come.