Confessions of a Bag Lady

Am I eating enough avocados? Need summer ready legs? These were just a snapshot of emails I’ve received this week. I guess they must know me well enough to guess that I’m not getting enough nutrition and that my body needs a month in a spa to get it anywhere near ‘ready’ for the five days of summer we are desperately awaiting.

Recently a friend (ahem) posted a rather awful picture of me age 21. The hair, the eyebrows, the chubby face; my goodness!! It was a stark reminder to me that ‘I must always up my game’. You see, those of you who ‘really know me’, know that I’m no ‘natural beauty’. I take a great deal of time, money and effort to maintain. Only yesterday I let matters slip. A very busy morning fielding workmen, making countless hot drinks, doing school work, shopping and organisation of the children resulted in me turning up for my fortnightly nail appointment (see money and time) looking like the abominable snowman: jeans, jumpers, big Timberland boots and my puffy winter coat. I was met with hilarity and comments such as ‘what you come dressed as?’, ‘couldn’t you be arsed to get ready?’ and ‘you do know it’s really warm today don’t you?’ My defence being it was cold earlier was met with ‘Well that was four hours ago when you WERE MEANT TO BE HERE!’ (It’s a good job I love those ladies).

Today I’ve been no better, I’ve spent the first part sweating in my running gear. Hair not brushed and hairy legs out (yes I do need summer ready legs). I cut quite a dash on the seafront. Since then I’ve been out-and-about in paint spattered jeggings, old top and converse (my boiler suit was too warm and daren’t wear it with just underwear as people here.) So I have to ponder where it all went so unstylishly wrong…

As a former touter of beauty products I was always catwalk ready. Even when giving birth my legs would be hair free, nails perfect, fake tanned and make up would be applied within an inch of its life. My hair was coloured every four weeks and blow dried every morning. Now I just scrape through and long for a day where I can just ‘look nice’.

I’ve contemplated all this whilst stripping and sanding a hall and living room bigger than your usual type (not bragging they’re just loooong! So much so that you could do circuits down my hall and I frequently do when going to the loo in the middle of the night). I thought about all the memories each layer of wood and paper holds, peeling back the years so to speak, a bit like an onion, peeling away layer after layer (it’s been a long one) to reveal some god awful fashion paper from an era that time forgot. It made me reminisce about outfits of the past. For example: my crushed velvet play suit with sequin halter-neck collar (I used to rave in it – speaking of which I also had a feather boa, silver back pack and a green PVC skirt), burgundy cord flares with gold belt and a little fake Chanel jacket which I threw out and can’t for the life of my remember why? (BIG MISTAKE). First two I would not be seen dead in now but at the time ‘highly acceptable’. With this in mind I truly believe, before Him leaves me (he’s not that shallow and was with me through awful picture and clothing stages) and friends start referring to me as ‘the bag lady’ and I’m met with whispers of ‘ooh, she’s letting herself go’ that I need an overhaul.

So, where to start? I’m going to buy some avocados. I’ve already bought a ton of fruit and am trying to drink a litre of water a day. That’ll be skin sorted (today I found I was flaking old paint off my cheeks whilst waiting to pay in B and Q). I’ve been running and yoga tomorrow. I’m also going to carefully plan my outfits (this will be my biggest challenge as if I misjudge the weather thinking it’s warm and it’s not I’ll be mega mardy). I’m going to make sure I carefully apply make up and look in mirror when leaving the house. Finally, summer ready legs? I’m going to be so ready that when the sunshine eventually arrives I’ll be like am over plucked chicken.

Once I’m ‘back in the game’ I shall then try and find a way to revive my social life. I might even start communicating properly again. Rather than just ‘thinking it’ I am ‘going to text/ring/mention it’. (Sorry I’ve been coco-loco my friends but I’ve been a bit absorbed in stuff. No excuse I know). You see, I do care and am very good at thinking of you all, I might just not be explicit in my thinking.

May is therefore ‘life overhaul month’. Stay tuned…

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