31st December 2019/1st January 2020, end of the decade, or the beginning of a new one?  Are you someone who’s looking whistfully back to where you were ten years younger? Are the past ten years full of shame and regrets? (imagine if they were!).  Or, are you someone who’s excited for a new decade, feverishly making plans for all the things you want to achieve?  Maybe you’re the opposite and you’ve such a mountain to climb that the future seems daunting…

Whatever your perspective, I think it’s important to think positively and turn the negative around.  Now before you start and tell me to pipe down with all my ‘PMA shite’ I think it’s worth considering what I have to say.  Also, just because I’m going to ramble about it and try it, doesn’t mean I’ll be successful but it does mean I’d have made an effort.  And making an effort is something I’d very much like to be remembered for in my eulogy one day.  Mrs Ramblings? She made an effort.  She always rose to the challenge.  She was a trier.

And, as I have had ‘more to deal with than most’ (my psychologists words – I know! How Hollywood am I?  ‘My shrink says…’) I have to be kinder to myself.

The Back Story:

Before Christmas, I was given the opportunity to work with a psychologist on life skills.

I had no idea what to expect.

A lovely young lady rocked up.  Warm smile, highly intelligent and enthusiastic – I realised pretty soon that I’d got lucky (Someone was definitely looking down upon me).

Upon meeting her, she diagnosed the type of depression I’ve been experiencing.  She explained that the state of my mental health is almost definitely caused by a build up of past traumas, accompanied by living with a disability (which has been shadowed by discrimination).  Basically, a catalogue of problems, which have made me the person I am today.  Living in permanent ‘fighting survivor’ mode anc putting everyone first.  Everything I do, she said, has a purpose.  I look after everyone and she told me to ‘stop!’.  I’ve got to do mindless tasks like colouring in, and making patterns in my zen garden and then messing it up.  Hmmmmmm…

The BackBack Story:

For many years I felt worthless and empty.  Friends and family came first and I was desperate to protect others.  I would fight for anyone, but myself? I’d hide from confrontation; beating myself up instead.  Scared, filled with guilt and anxious at every text, email and phone call.

I stopped answering.  I’d hide my phone.  I’d hide myself.

You see, the way I was living was unsustainable.  No one can live like that.  It’s unhealthy.  But, it wasn’t until I couldn’t actually see out of my right eye anymore, that the walls closed in and I collapsed.  I thought the world would stop turning and that I was beyond help.  After all ‘you’re a strong person’ they always told me.  How can a strong person need help? I panicked.  No one would help, they wouldn’t know how, I’m not worth it…

You know the rest.

The Point:

So, how’s this all relevant to me? you might be thinking.  Well, this is the thing, LA (that’s what we are calling the psychologist) tells me I’ve got to share. Share her teachings and help others around me.  We also discussed my writing an the journey of my life.  This made me reflect on one of my life goals and the fact we are entering a new decade.  What do I want to achieve? Well, last decade I made a list and I did pretty good to be honest (apart from being mortgage free).  It took no thinking, I like writing.  I want to be successful at it.  Maybe I’ll not be so good and it won’t work out.  Then again, maybe it will.  Whatever the outcome, surely it’s always worth perusing your dreams?  I won’t hurt anyone, and I think I need to take more risks – stop worrying about it (more LA advice).

Going Forward:

The plan is simple, for the next few weeks I’ll be sharing two things: my learning, and the working process of a book I was inspired to write on Boxing Day.

So here we go:

LA got me to do this: https://www.16personalities.com/

I got the rarest personality (rare breed me!).  Try it, it’s very insightful and interesting.  It’s especially good to do whilst making resolutions.

Chapter One to come…