Tracking

Ten days ago 

After waking up somewhat broken for a number of days, I decided to reframe my brain.  12k later, after a long lost cross-country run, I was reminded why I might still love my life.  Lost in the verdant landscape: snapshots of summer fields, blossoming hedgerows, chalky beach paths, mud flats, brambles, muddy pools…I felt like a lucky girl.  I was an explorer in her own private wilderness.  All on my own little doorstep. 

Today was a good day.  A day to quieten the niggles of anxiety.

Eight days ago

Some days the heavy grey coat is too much.  Yesterday seemed to precursor today’s ominous nature.  

I was quite happily preparing a rather tasty roast dinner when I couldn’t breathe.  Quickening of breath and chest pains: it seemed the coat of worry was back. Something snuck onto my shoulders by the naughty mental health fairy.

So today, the anxiety decided to hover.  I think the constant worry about my oncoming operation might be partly to blame. However, I think the pressures of covid, the past year and a half; the intense feeling of failure of not attaining goals; and all the other rocks which appear to have built a dam around me, have started to give…

Seven days ago 

What she said but worse.

My head is throbbing and I feel so heavy. Stress seems to be the common conscientious.  The pressure seems to be mounting and I feel so afraid.  

Am I at breaking point?

Six days ago

London, as always, was exhausting.  Eerily quiet, we navigated our way around the once packed streets.  I couldn’t see (never for a change)  In fact, I ‘see’ more of the capital in a haze than not…And then they told me I wouldn’t be able to see for quite a while.

Tiredness, frustration and guilt.  I’m desperately grasping for reasons why I’m on this journey.  I feel more lost than did on that long run.

The head is still killing.

Four days ago

I’m full of cold.  Paranoia and the fact that the covid net seems to be closing in, means I’ve done a LFT every day since last Friday.  All negative. I’m really hoping it stays that way too.  As much as I am afraid of this operation.  As much as I’d rather be going to one of the new ‘green countries’ on a fabulous holiday, I do know (in my sane mind) that I have to be sensible.  

The cold also seems to be escalating my misery.  Not only have the chest pains increased, but my skin is breaking out in sores.  I’m a bit of a mess.  Unattractive and miserable – it’s not the best of looks!  Also, quite depressing on the eve-of-that-day-I-hate, beginning with a ‘b’ and ending in a ‘y’.  Another year older snd I feel like a dirty grey dishcloth that’s been used to clean the floor.

Three days ago

Remember that dish cloth?  Well, I think the dog might have got hold of it snd ragged it around a bit.  Misery seems to love company; therefore, my cold has exploded; head pain has increased and the tears keep falling…because everything seems such a mess.

I thought I wouldn’t feel like this by now.  I thought by this ‘another-day-older-day’ I’d not have the worries and insecurities plaguing me like I do…

Two days ago 

Well, the head is exploding.  Emotionally, I feel calmer today. I’m more settled and reflective.  It’s like the calm after the storm.

However, I feel like shite and sneaky covid symptoms have crept up on me. Breathlessness – I took RosieDog for a walk upon the beach snd I found it exhausting.  I also ventured into my garden.  As I can’t see at the moment, I decided to stick my head in a few of my flowers and herbs – nothing! A panic ensued and another test was done.  Negative.  

Devastatingly, my candles, creams, lotions and potions cannot lift these spirits.  I cannot smell.  My mouth tastes like marmite.  

Two days ago 

  • later on…

Little E has two suspicious test results.  She’s got a bad headache and sore throat.  

Shit

Strangely I feel quite calm.  Maybe this is actually the eye of the storm?

Today

Fifteen months of living in a bubble.  

Lives on hold.  

Holidays and trips can be counted on one hand (nothing fancy as we haven’t had the luxury of going anywhere we want to go).  

Missed celebrations.  

Months of isolation.  

Days of monotony.  

Hours upon hours of trying to stay positive.  

Hands, face, space.

Being careful.

Mental health negligible.  

Waiting, waiting, waiting to have my left eye made its shiny best.  

Loading with a plethora of vitamins – daily.  Eating better than most people I know.  Choosing to make a quick salad, or omelette instead of the ‘big fat takeaway’.

Daily exercise a must.  

The constant clean, spray, wipe away.  

I’ve tried to be good.  

Two filthy vaccinations, which I loathed to have.

And guess what?  As the government decides that covid isn’t a threat – vaccines work – all my hopes and fears are realised…

Those headaches, fears, little E: it’s here

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