The Wobble

It’s official: I’m the worst person to ever walk this perfect planet. Fresh from putting ones foot in it and side stepping conflict, I waded into a worthy battle and the result is that I’m a terrible person!

You see, I can’t stand lies. I also can’t stand selfish and disrespectful behaviour. So when I saw a disaster looming I stepped in…

Without going into too much detail, all I’m going to say is: Kids, who’d have them? Well, me but not after the age of 13. They are delightful, fun, witty and loving when babies and above. Sometimes I long for the sleepless nights prompted by a tearful baby – who only needs milk, changing and then a snuggle cuddle. My goodness, how I miss those fuzzy lovey days filled with awe and wonder of watching them sleep. What do o have now? I’m riddled with guilt of all the things I’ve ever done wrong and my sleepless nights involve tremors of self loathing for all the mistakes I’ve made. So, I’d suggest that someone invents a pill to numb the teenage years.
But it’s not just the children I’ve failed, it’s all those around me. This week I awoke from a twenty year slumber to realise that most people who succeed are liars, cheats and charlatans who seem to swan through life on a lie and a prayer!

So why I am so cross? I think it’s the frustration of life. This past week has been positively hard and arduous to endure, long working days, dealing with stuff which I can only ever come out as the bad guy in and culminating being swindled by some scam on the internet (this is prime example of cheaters winning)

This has all left me in a spiritual wobble. Which has since led to me feeling like I’m at a crossroads in my life. It doesn’t help that I think I’m losing my faith in the world. I used to believe that if I gave out good and prayed for my much loved family and friends – selflessly (I always say, I’m not asking for me, I’m asking for them) that good karma would bathe me and provide inner peace and calm. But maybe that’s the problem, maybe my desire for good karma channeled through helping others, makes me selfish?

And selfish seems to be the word I have thought about the most this week. Selfishness seems to be the thing that pulls us apart and unites us. Relationships are built for selfish reasons. Relationships shatter for selfish reasons. And not just that but is it me or do most people only see their lives through their lens? Do they ever consider another perspective?

So my wobble has made me think. I’ve had to do a lot of running, walking and play lots of music to search my troubled soul. I’ve decided that (in the words of Phoebe) there are no selfless acts. I can’t fight for (my) world peace as human nature dictates that it’s not possible. So what do I do to please, placate and selflessly help others?

Well, I though about taking a vow of silence. No comment, no words, no offence…however, I’m not sure that’s going to work. I’m a talker and a blogger. Getting stuff of your chest is cathartic and enlightening. Plan B involves reexamining my belief system – but deep down, although my core values appear outdated in this awful millennial world, I still believe I’m right. So its Plan C. This is the exciting one. What do they say? If you don’t like it, change it. So that’s what I intend to do. So I’m going to start by letting go of the bad stuff. Not caring so much and protecting ‘me’ from the evils of the world. And then, once I’m sated and happy – like the ready brek kid, I’ll be infectious and be able to spread that glow everywhere!! My selfish act of self preservation will enable me to produce selfless acts in tenfold.

See, I can always turn the frown around. Happy February xxxx

 

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